Everything is nothing but an illusion

scattered pieces...torn apart....

2005-05-17T09:27:00.000-04:00

i am so confused, and i dont know what to do, or where to go, or even who to run to....nothing is working rite these days, and as much as i want it to, it just doesnt work my way....im really confused, and im scared, and i just.....hell i dont know...i guess leave me a comment and ill try real hard to explain on my next entry...
always,
~Kay~

lost and confused

2005-05-08T14:50:00.000-04:00

wow its been a really long time since i updated last...but anyways..me and michael broke up.... :'( im really sad about that, becuz i really do love him, more than he'll ever know in his lifetime, but its not like its that important ne more....oh well...guys suck....and now i like this guy jeff, OMG I REALLY LIKE HIM, only problem is my best friend LOVES him, and i dont want to go out with him and her be mad at me....but ohwell, i guess we'll see what happens, rite? yeah...and then i like steven, but my other best friend liked him first, and its not rite that i like him, but i do.....but i LOVE michael still, and i guess i always will, and nothin will ever change that, but oh well....i dont know anything ne more, i guess im just really stupid, but thats nothing new....and now im wantin to move in with my momma...but im confused...
always,
~Kay~ xoxo

oh wow this has been a while....

2005-04-17T20:09:00.000-04:00

wow this has definately been a long time since ive updated...but um yeah.. not much has gone on...me and michael are still together, yeah us..... and really thats it.....send me an IM on AIM for more info
Amethyst2690K or KoolAidBaby03 and ill give yall more info!

always,
~Kay~ xoxo

ok

2005-03-22T13:40:00.000-05:00

well i changed my background and from what i see its deleted everything that ive typed...shit that sucks..oh well

tired, and sore and wanting to go home

2005-03-01T13:49:00.000-05:00

well to make a long story short, i fell off the hurdle, skinned my knee, elbow and hands all up...now me and michael are back together...and everything is all good...im at school so im gonna add more later when i get home....
always,
~Kay~

im really.....speechless....

2005-02-25T20:48:00.000-05:00

wow... i think i love michael...but thats a given already...go figure...thats all for now
~Kay~

shattered, picked up, put back together, and torn apart again...

2005-02-21T20:54:00.000-05:00

you know, just when you really think everything in your life is straight, someone or something goes off and screws it up for you... well im scared that michael is falling for jessie, and i really dont want that, because i dont want him hurt...i mean i love jess with all my heart, but shes not the right person for michael, because im scared shes gonna hurt him just like joe and i dont want that to happen to michael...i really care about him, and i love him like nothing else, but even that wont and cant stop a guy for fallin for someone... ya know?... oh well.... we'll see what happens...i just want the best for michael, and i think the best would be for him to leave jess alone, and not bother with her... i dont know what to do...if anyone can help me PLEASE PLEASE give me some suggestions... heres my problem in question form so that its easier to answer: If your exboyfriend (or exgirlfriend) started flirting with your best friend, but you know that your ex cant stand that person, and still likes you and cares about you, but your best friend is trying to take him (or her) from you and tear everything apart, what would you do???? i really need the advice so please comment!
always,
~Kay~

wow

2005-02-19T18:01:00.000-05:00

wow i havent updated in it seems like ages... well thats because ive been grounded for ever... and now im finally off so im happy... anyways..i turned 15 two weeks ago, and i got my learners yesterday, and im driving soo good... and im single, yet again, but its all good..ive gotten soo used to being single that i dont know what it feels like to be taken by someone ne more... but i still love michael more than anyone else...and no one can understand why, but i do, and last nite at like 1:30 am i said sumthin to him and he said "what did u say?" and i repeated myself and hes like "oh i thought you said i love you, and i was about to say where'd that come from" lol i probly shoulda told him that thats what i said...hehe... but im not that mean, especially to him... gosh i wish me and him were together... UGH! and the funny thing is, is that every song i listen to, or ne poem that i read, i think about him, and i have flashbacks of last year, and it feels good to remember those things... but it hurts to know that i wont ever get him back, well i dont think i will at least, although i would love to, i just dont think it would ever be possible again, although i wish there was sumway that it could be possible... but thats not gonna happen ne time soon, if it even does... but who knows, maybe some good will come out of this...who knows...we'll see! well i gotta go...ill add more later
luvs,
~Kay~

well....basically... BLAH!

2005-01-29T08:58:00.000-05:00

I havent had much success with guys these days... michael broke up with me... on tuesday he sent the email, but i didnt get it til wednesday so i think that i means that he broke up with me tuesday and i just didnt know about it... which is exactly what happend... i still really care about him, but we're not going out so we're just gonna stay good friends.. so thats a good thing... well im trying to get shane to understand that i want him to ask me out! UGH! i swear guys are soo hard-headed sometimes... see, i really like shane, and he says that he likes me but im not sure exactly... but i want to go out with him...but i dont think theres much hope in that... not that i should care or ne thing.... but for some reason i do...

well other than that, this week has been ok, i guess... not much really went out.. alot of drama though...lol.. lauren and jessie wanted to kick michaels butt for breaking up with me, but i told them not to worry about it...but jessie said that shes gonna send him a nasty email speaking her thoughts to him...lol... i think thats funny... oh well...we'll see what happens in that situation.

bruce, daniel and marquez need to leave me alone... they keep hitting me i the ass and tryin to hold my hand and yada yada yada...and i understand that their flirting to annoy me but it really bugs the hell out of me and its not like they care... but i told bruces girlfriend and shes thinking about breaking up with him...i feel bad, but i told him to quit, but NO did he.... oh well...

well im gonna go, and ill try to add more later...

always,
~Kay~

ladi ladi la la

2005-01-24T19:52:00.000-05:00

well i havent updated this in a long time.. so lets catch up shall we... i got my report card.. and i got 1 A 4 B's and a C... not bad at all... and then im not playing softball i decided to do track instead... so hopefully it all works out... well i think i already said this before but i dumped bobby..ha..and then last nite michael and me got back together..so im happy...well thats about it...my life is boring as u can tell..ill add more later..if i can think of sumthin better to talk about...
always,
~Kaitlyn~

heads carolina, tails california

2005-01-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

ive had this song stuck in my head for 2 days straight.. heads carolina tails california, somewhere greener, somewhere near the border... and ive been singing for forever..and jessie and lauren said that i have a good singing voice... but i dont think so... ANYWAYS i just felt like addin sumthin.. i will update more later...
always,
~Kay~

you dont know... so u shouldnt judge

2005-01-11T16:33:00.000-05:00

ugh i swear... i hate soo many people... and on top of that ive had an AWFUL day.. first this morning... i found out that i started my lovely period! UGH i hate that... and then i had a cold shower...and then i got out and couldnt find my tampons... ugh that was bad...i finally found them, i hadnt unpacked them from goin up to morth carolina yet...so of course that pissed me off...and then my dad was foolin around and my brother wouldnt get ready and then my ankle was stiill swollen from yesterday so i had to find my wrap and i couldnt find it so i went to school without it on and then i found it, so i put it on... and now it hurts like hell...well then in 2nd period this guy shane that i REALLY REALLY like was messin with me (aw he looked so cute today with his lil tie! HAHAhA!) ok im really mean... (haha melanie BOZO!) well then he called me a bitch just messin around with me, and i said thats my name and he said yeah i know.. so of course that pissed me off..well then we were leaving class and i was waiting for jennifer and he came up and bumped into me on purpose and he hit my boob... so my boob hurt for a long time.. but oh well.. hes hot so i really dont care... well then third period came around and we had a bitch for a substitute..and then 4th period and mr schrieber was being an ass today... well then lunch..and that was hysterical... keiter and britt sat with me and jessie and lauren today and oh man that was great... well then algebra and mrs oconner is a bitch..but thats nothing new.. and then i had carver..and i had to work with matt and that kid i swear is soo weird but hes soo funny too... and mr carver didnt say much to me... thank GOD!!! and then 7th period came around and i had slaughter...she didnt come until 10 minutes before we were leaving to go home..and shes pissed at me becuz im not doing softball conditioning and im probly not playing softball either..so of course shes pissed but i honestly do not care... i hate that lady too.. well then it was time to go to the buses so of course i hightailed it to the buses...and then me and kasey beeped ralph and fat lee..and HA that was soo great...and then we moved to the front of the bus and justin called me beaver and he said thats gonna be my new nickname from now on.... and i told him UM NO! so hes gonna try to change it...and im frightened to know what hes gonna choose...lol..and now im home and im not doing my homework altough i probably should but i dont want to...and then i need to get ready to go to chili's house but i dont feel like it... and i probly should get offline but im not going to do that either...and i should call michael and see how he is, because he got braces today..and im worried about him... i still love him.. OH YES i broke up with bobby on friday (last friday) so now im all happy and i dont have anything to worry about..which is good... because there are soo many reasons as to why i dumped him and im not gonna go into all those details rite now... but its all good... well i better get going because im really tired and i need to ice my foot... ill add more later tonite!

always,
~Kay~

cant deny it and i cant pretend.....

2005-01-08T11:48:00.000-05:00

well my weekend has just started and tonite i get to see michael... im excited only becuz i still have strong feelings for him... and its weird becuz i thought i was over him and im not... but in the same token i dumped bobby so it doesnt matter who i like or who i dont like... i am soo much better off without him that everything hopefully will be better off for me.. anyways... i dont have much to talk about so ill add more later tonite after the lovely party that im going to.... comment on if u think im better off without bobby!
always,
~Kay~

home at last!

2005-01-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

i am finally home!!!! North Carolina was soo much fun.... i had a blast.. i dont think ive ever had that much fun... although i was depressed some... i couldnt quite figure out why tho... but OMG my step brothers friend Denny came with us..and WHEW he was FINE!! I mean come on what teenage girl wouldnt like to spend a weekend with a hot 21 year old... HAHAHA! but no i had fun besides that...lol....it just was nice to get out of the house for once.... and being with all my family...that was probly the best part..and being able to see my cousins was cool too... anyways... i really dont have much to talk about becuz im really tired.... i will add more later...buh bye

~Kay~

maybe its me, maybe its you.... what to do...???

2004-12-22T09:56:00.000-05:00

everything that i once thought i loved, is gone... im soo depressed... and i have no idea why... ive woken yup lately feeling like the day was gonna be full of hell... and normally thats how my days turn out.. i have had this weird feeling lately, and i dont know what it is, normally it means sumthing bad is gonna happen... but i dno what yet, ill figure it out when the feeling gets stronger though....

well bobby is on his way to tennessee... he called me last nite at 9:15, that was surprising that my mom let me talk to him... we didnt talk for long becuz he had to go to bed becuz he was gettin up really early this morning.... i told him to be careful and not to do ne thing stupid, and that if he gets himself thrown in jail i dont wanna hear about it.... he better be careful....

now im just sitting around waiting for someone to call me or talk to me, because i am so depressed and not wanting to do ne thing, it just seems like everytime i try to do something that normally intrests me, i dont want to do it, becuz it gets boring.. and i just cant have fun anymore.. i mean maybe its just becuz its the holidays, and everything is hectic during the holidays, but i dono, ive felt like this for over a month now... i dno.... maybe im stressin over nothing....

well im supposed to be babysitting but i took a break... and anyways i just got back from food lion and i spent all my money on ketchup mustard candy and donuts for the kids and the tax.. i swear 10$ and 45 cents for absolutely nothin! oh well... ill try and add more later

always,
~Kay~

you dont know me

2004-12-20T20:11:00.000-05:00

you know, i hate it when people think that they know you, when they dont... it just bothers me, and yes i know i have a bad habit of that too, but i cant help it.... but i dno.... dont ask... im so confused, and i have mixed feelings about everything... and i just dont know.... im soo stressed about everything, my b/f, my grades, my family, im just soo confused and i dont know why... UGH! i cant take this ne more! im like freaking out for no apparent reason... and im practically ready to just, i dno.... im freakin out for no reason....ok i gotta calm down... ill add more later...
~Kay~

whats wrong now...

2004-12-20T10:40:00.000-05:00

everything goes wrong within the time period of a couple of days.. and im not really sure why.... my mom left this mornin and woke me up and said that i needed to babysit, so of course ive been up since 7:30 this mornin babysitting, and i absolutely hate it... i mean i am babysitting my brothers, but i swear they can be the children from hell sometimes... but oh well... ill live some how... i hate not being able to talk on the comuter because i have to babysit, but i have no choice... oh well... something tells me that ill get over it...

bobby called me finally yesterday, and hes supposed to call me today? i wonder what the chances of that are?? probly slim, but i guess ill get over that too.... i mean everyone tells me that i dont need to go back out with him again, but i really cant help it, i really like him, and ya know maybe their rite, maybe i shouldnt be goin back out with him, but i have to make mistakes before i learn from them....rite???

my grandparents called this morning and asked if the kids were being good, and i said "of course" and i think they thot i was lying...lol... oh well.... then they asked what i wanted for christmas, and i didnt want to say ne thing expensive, because my grandpa isnt working, and neither is my grandma, and i dont want to ask them to buy me ne thing, and they said that their gonna give me money, and i would feel awful if they did, because i know that their in a tight financial problem and i dont want them to give me money when i know that they need it more.

well christmas is in 5 days and i swear its coming too quickly, but i guess thats normal... man ever since my 13th birthday almost 2 years ago now, it seems like everything is just flying by, i mean it seems like i just graduated from st pats and month ago, but in all reality it was in may... and that was some time ago, and now its almost my birthday again, and its the day of the super bowl coming to jacksonville, so im not expecting much, im more so expecting people to forget my birthday, and plus jacksonville isnt ready for the rush of the super bowl, so im not sure if we're gonna be able to pull it off, but hopefully we will....

i probly should get offline, kids are yellin, and im goin nuts, and im waiting on my bf to call me, hopefully he will soon.... ill add more later on tonite...

always,
~Kay~

maybe im just crazy.....

2004-12-19T18:39:00.000-05:00

*well.. today has gone in a kinda akward way.... first my mom took my brother shopping for xmas stuff for me, and he got me some cds... but he wouldnt tell me what he wanted so i couldnt go get him ne thing... and then i went out and i ended up buyin me a skirt... ha... special me... and then me and my mom went to the dollar store, and spent 42 minutes in line at the dollar store..that was soo ridiculous..oh well...

*now im home... and when i got home bobby called me, so i got to talk to bobby, for the first time since thursday... wow it took him a while to call me.. but im glad that he called me, and he said that he'd call me up to wednesday we he leaves for his moms, so lets see if he keeps his word..who wants to bet me???

*well im gonna go now, im makin dinner... oh buddy bad things happen when i cook...lol... please comment...

always,
~Kay~

i should listen more often

2004-12-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

you know maybe my friends are rite... and why cant i believe them??????????????? why am i so hard headed... heck if i knew the answer to that then i wouldnt be asking..lol... ok yeah bobby hasnt called me yet, and i dont think he will, but thats nothing new... you would think that he'd call his girlfriend, but does he... NO!.. oh it makes me mad sometimes, but i guess thats what guys do for fun, piss their girlfriends off.. oh well.. ill get over it one day....well i gotta go im gettin ready to go to the mall.. ill add more later...

always,
~Kay~

You think things are better, when in reality their worse

2004-12-14T19:36:00.000-05:00

You know, just when you think everything seems rite, it just isnt. I mean come on, I have a great boyfriend (or thats what i think at least, maybe not everyone else but...), i have a lot of friends, i make reasonably good grades... so u ask whats the problem? well the problem is, is that where in there do u see i have a good family? Well me and my family are soo seperate... i am soo different than EVERYONE in my family, and i barely resemble any of them. I feel as though im not supposed to be here, or that theres something that everyones hiding from me, that i just dont know about. But i really cant put my finger on it, although i wish i could.... My dad... man if i could get away from him, my life would be a hell of alot better, and my brother sean whose 12, if he would just live with my dad on his own, im sure they would get along great, and my mom, well since my parents are divorced i only see her every other weekend, but i love her more than anything, but i really dont think she understands me very much.... and i know my dad doesnt understand me. My dad hates me, he tells me all the time that im an awful daughter and that if it were his way i wouldnt be living with him, so i told him to ship me off somewhere im sure ill be better off away from him anyways... i dont get along with him at all, in yet ive lived with him for 14 long years, and its never gotten better. My b/f told me to just give it time, well i have, 14 long years, and nothings changed, hes still the awful father that hes always been. And for all i care, he could go run his car off a bridge and i wouldnt care... im soo angry at him for never listening to me when i have a problem, or helping me through school, and especially for forgetting me.... forgetting that he has a daughter that needs someone to talk to, forgetting that i even exist at nite when dinner time comes around, forgetting that hes not the only one in this house that has bad days, forgetting to buy me the things that i need... i despise him for all of that, and i hope he realizes it to.... becuz the sooner i turn 18 the sooner everything will get better....i just, i would do anything to have my dad be a role model for me, and not someone who i want to run away from everytime he walks into the house.... he can yell at me, and cuss me out, and even threaten to kick me out of the house, but one things never gonna change, im always gonna be his daughter whether he like it or not... so if he didnt want me, why didnt he just hand me over to my mom when they got divorced? if he hates me so much, why dont he just kill me and put me and him out of our misery... becuz im on the berge of running away... because thats all i can seem to do these days.... if i were to run away i would probably go somewhere where he wouldnt think i'd be.... but im not sure where yet... oh well... i guess i shouldnt be putting all this on my blog, but i have to get it out somehow.... and if it means i type it for the world to see, then i type it for the world to see.... but i have to get going.. i have semester exams to study for... ill add more later, hopefully...

Please Comment....
Always,
~Kay~

why did i take all of this for granted!!!

2004-12-12T14:36:00.000-05:00

man oh man.... i miss bobby soooo much!!! why oh why do i???? why???????? ugh i cant stand this... i mean being single is soo awesome, but i do miss having someone to call my bf... ya know?? i mean come on all girls need a bf sometime (unless of course their gay and thats a whole nother ball game) but me, nothing ever goes rite.. and i take everything and anything possible for granted, which really sucks because i shouldnt... but oh well...

then i have semester exams tomorrow and im totally not ready, but am i ever?? lol... nope

then i have this "humongerous" (haha) project due thursday and do u think im close to finishing it??? i think not! i think ive drawn a couple of the pictures, but there is like a million and one things to do on that damn picture...lol.... oh well

well... i think im gonna go, ill probably add more later.... sometime in the near future.... bye

always,
~Kay~

BLAH!

2004-12-11T20:47:00.000-05:00

well today has just... well its just kinda been here... ive just been bored to no freakin get out, and i cant seem to get a grip on life...im wanting a boyfriend again, and im starting to miss bobby again, and my friends are driving me nutty, but thats nothing new.... and i know i shouldnt be missing bobby, but i do, and i like this kid shane mcneil, but i dont think he understands that, and hes a sophmore, but i think he hates me.... but oh well... and im just... i dno what i am.... i mean im having a great time being single, but i do miss having a boyfriend alot...AND THEN on top of all that semester exams start monday morning at 8 oclock on the dot, and im really and truly not looking forward to those at all, because i am totally not ready at all... so its kinda like... oh well... then on top of all that i have a "humongerous" (hahaha long story im me at Amethyst2690k or KoolAidBaby03 for more info) project due thursday, and i have to finish that, and study for exams and get ready for x-mas, and its kinda like, why dont i just cancel everything on my to do list for the week... but im happy because i get my cell phone in a few weeks (hopefully ... im supposed to be.. so i better or im gonna be pissed off).... anyways... Seans soccer team has won 1 game and lost 3... but at least they won one, and to my surprise it wasnt by a forfeit either.. HAHAHA! anyways.... i guess ill go and finish up my project.... ill add more later...
~Kay~

by the way... melanie LOOK LEFT! hahaha....

Another Lonely Day

2004-12-04T21:36:00.000-05:00

This is probably a no brainer, being that i am seriously bored... but at the same time, im happy... im happy at the fact that me and bobby are over, and Im happy that i dont have to worry about him breaking up with me anymore, since he broke up with me... i think its great at the fact the Ashbell told me that she wouldnt ever let him break up with me, well look what happened?? but im glad that she didnt stop him, because i dont think ive ever been happier before... im having such a great time being single and being able to talk to other guys without bobby freaking out... or sayin that im mad at him when im not.... sometimes i want to cry, because he did give me my first real kiss.... but at the same time, i dont know what i was thinking going out with a Junior in the first place... i mean he is 3 years older than i am, and he needs to be with someone older and closer to his age... so i hope hes happy with holli, and even though i think shes a hoe, i hope they have a great time together... and i just, i want him to be happy, and i know that now since hes not with me, i know hes happy... and im glad, and happy for him... so he can go off and screw his life up, but its HIS LOSS and MY GAIN! and thats what i learned from all of this, and everyone can tell me that im soo stupid for going out with him, and now i can be proud and stand up and say yes i was stupid to go out with him, and i dont know what i was thinking.... and now i have nothing to worry about... i just have to keep my options open to new guys, and i will do that.. and im not gonna go out with someone just to make bobby mad at me, and i dont care if i get a boyfriend that bobby just absolutely hates, i dont care at all ne more.. and theres nothing he can do about it... i have my friends, and thats all i need to feel good about myself... i dont need a guy to feel appreciated.. at times i want a boyfriend, but i dont exactly need one... im happy with the way i am... and im happy that i can now say that proudly!

COMMENT PLEASE!
~Kay~